When everything feels not right

Every single person in this world must have their own way to calm themselves. When you feel that the weight of the world is in your shoulder, or when your world is crushing down, or turning upside down, or you think you lose everything that matters to you. You will do everything, al least if you can't solve the problems, or make the pains go away, you can forget it. Sometimes, people call this "runaway". I prefer the word "self-healing". And what I choose to be my "self-healing"? Writing. Why? Because sometimes, or many times, the spoken words are just not enough. It also could be an effective way to destruct, when you put too much emotion in that. In the other hand, writing is less destructive for other people's emotion and such a comfortable way to express feelings for people who doesn't like or maybe cannot talk, like me.

But I won't write about the writing itself, I will write about me. Oh and I just realized my headset has been plugged in for 15 minutes and there is no music was heard. Yeah, who is the idiot of the year now?

May 28th 2013,

It's been 4 days since the graduation announcement and a day since the university entrance announcement. The good news is I pass the national examination with the good result. The bad news is I haven't got any university yet. Somehow I've already got the feeling that I wouldn't make it. So when I opened the web yesterday to see the result, I felt disappointed of course, but not as big as it should be. I even didn't feel sad. But when my dad came home from work, and try to comfort me, my eyes got teary all of sudden. I didn't know why, why should I feel sad? I tried my best not to cry, "I have to be strong, don't cry, don't make the others worry about you", I repeated those words to myself. That afternoon, something bad did happen, and finally I knew why my eyes got teary. Because I was happy, and felt really grateful and be the luckiest person that one could ever be. Even if bad things happen, I know I will be okay. As long I am surrounded by people whom I love and loves me back, have a home, friends, blue sky above me at day and stars at night. I have Allah. That's enough. 

The following night, this night, my mom asked me to eat outside with my private teacher, Mam Indra. My english, piano, and all school lessons teacher since I was a kid. Since I was still little, with that "dora" bob hairstyle, and no front teeth. She also taught my younger brother, Harris. Even though I had to study in Malang, I still could have "chit-chat" when I went home regularly and she came to teach Harris. This night's topic is about such a pity I couldn't pass SNMPTN. I don't have much to talk, so I just sat and listened. And ate. 

But it seems like I wasn't allowed to go through this night with peace. Just when my Mam and Mom were having conversation about me, I realized. They, and maybe many other people always consider me as "the smart one", "the good one". With those assumptions, they unconsciously put hopes, the big one perhaps, on me. But you know what, deep down inside, I have a thought that I'm not that smart, not that good, not that patient, not that kind or even that great as they thought I am. I don't like it! I don't like how what they think I am is far from the truth. I don't like that they have high hopes for me without seeing the truth. But most of all, I don't like the idea that I let them, those who love me unconditionally and infinitely, down. I crush their hopes and dreams. I fail to make them happy and proud of me like it should be. Therefore, I hate myself.

One of the most important lesson in life is to know yourself well. Some people can do it easily. Unfortunately, not everyone can. What to do, if apparently you haven't know yourself yet but others think that they know you and labelling you? The only thing that came to my mind tonight is try to be the person like they think you are. Well, you owe them. Much. As the time goes by, you can try to look for what actually is inside you. Maybe, just maybe, they are right. You're just too afraid to admit it. Because you know, there are big responsibilities following great powers. That's what I heard from a movie.